run

The last two days have been a whirlwind of emotions. Maybe it's because I'm getting frustrated of being in the house all day and my feelings of restriction and feeling trapped are being elevated to the 100th power because of it. Or maybe being locked up in here has forced me to take an introspective look inside myself and figure out what the hell I'm doing in my life. But like many things in my life, it started with a car.....

So I've been looking for a car as you know and settled on a VW Superbeetle as you know, for an infinite number of reasons. The one that I actually fell in love with is being sold tomorrow because we didn't act fast enough. We went to see two other ones which were total pieces of crap. My parents have since been convinced that we'll never find the right one because they're too old and there's always the chance that it'll break down and it's not worth it and blah blah blah. Basically they told me to pick a new car. Needless to say, this crushed and disillusioned me which made me hang around the house all day yesterday in a really bad mood. So there's that aspect of disappointment.

Then there's school. Oh, the never-ending conundrum that is school. I'm starting my third term next week and that just reiterates how much I have left to go. It turns out it's probably going to be a bit longer than I thought, maybe a term more. But still, watching everything that my friends are doing back home and how they're working towards their own goals and dreams, I can't help but think that I'm wasting two years of my life here. The desire to study film and learn and become the best that I can at it is so ardent and desperate sometimes I think I might explode. The best way I can describe is it's like those dreams you have when you try to run but your feet are stuck in the ground. You become so desperate to just take a step but you're immobile and stationary. It's a horrible feeling. It's what I feel everyday.

I thought about this pretty much all day yesterday and it really gave me the opportunity to reflect and think of a plan. I think I came up with a pretty concrete one but I'm still working out the details. I'll let you know when it's for sure. Being here in such a restricted place has opened my eyes though to all the possibilities that could happen for me, or rather things that I wish would happen for me. I mean, thinking about what I want to do when I leave has created all these new goals and ambitions in my mind, which is really what gets me through the tough days. Knowing that I have all these things that I want to accomplish gives me a sense of purpose and inspiration.

So things are looking pretty pessimistic from where I stand right now, but the possibility that I can actually be truly happy one day keep me going.

On the brighter side of things, I've been downloading some really good music lately, mostly Big Band/Jazz/Swing. I've always been fascinated with old Hollywood glamour and the authenticity of music back then, but for some reason this interest has gone into serious mode overload recently. I think I've developed an obsession with New York and the Jazz/Big Band scene from the 1940's and 50's from this too. Haha I know, Hollywood and New York, two complete opposites right?

I also discovered an AMAZING guy today: Peter Bradley Adams. His songs just seriously leave me dumb-founded every time I listen. I've been playing around with Garageband recently, recording some of my own stuff and I've been trying to find an artist or a band that represent how I want my music to sound. I had no idea until I found this guy today. That's what I want my music to sound like. Anyways, I intended to make like a two paragraph entry today but alas! Look what it's become! Funny how that happens, huh?

Song of the day: The Longer I Run- Peter Bradley Adams

Until next time

Sary