I hear a gecko in my room!

Today is one of those days where I simply want to write....or type. I had a pretty awesome entry about music thought out but I think I'll wait till another day. I decided that to exclusively limit this blog to deep, philosophical discussions is kinda dumb. Not that deep, philosophical discussions are bad, in fact, they're what make the world go round hah. But a good story is always awesome. And sometimes an entry doesn't have to have a specific purpose. So basically, I'm going to write about whatever I want....which is what I've been doing for the past 2 years. Groundbreaking.

So I've been keeping up with the Steins- I mean, keeping up with the election back home through CNN here. I never thought I'd actually be excited to watch CNN in my life. Haha, I'm becoming that boring adult that I swore I would never become! No, no, it's good to watch the news. You gotta watch the news to keep yourself informed. Mostly I've been watching to watch Obama and Biden kick McCain and Palin's ARSES haha. Revenge is sweet. Hopefully we can keep up our lead for the next four weeks.

And that's all I feel like writing today. Sorry it wasn't more interesting, but I'm on my bed and my shoulder hurts....and apparently Simon's bugging me to post haha. Have a good night. 

Song of the day: Leave- Glen Hansard

Until next time

Sary

tranquility

Sorry it's been a while. Ten whole days! To be honest I haven't really had any inspiration, but I'm feeling chatty tonight :)

Alors, qu'est-ce que je peux ecrire? Well I've had another small epiphany. I love those, don't you? Not the huge life-changing ones but the small ones that make you think, " Oh yeahhhh!" Just another example of how I think it's the little things in life that count. Anyways, being in Costa Rica has really helped me look at my life back in the states from an outside perspective, like I can see myself, looking into my life from the outside. And what I've realized is that (well I've known this first part for a while now) America is a superficial, consumer-driven, mindless country. I honestly think they are going to blow up the world in the near future, and if not, they will run the entire world straight to the ground. The times we are living right now is living proof of that. America sneezes, and the rest of the world catches pneumonia. America trips, and the rest of the world scrapes their knee. You get what I'm saying.

And because of this capital-seeking mentality, 99.9% of the people in America have no opinion about anything, no means to seek a life beyond their own meaningless one, no intention of connecting with the rest of the world. Everyone calls us the stupidest country in the world, well, because it's true. We are the biggest super power in the world, but the average American can't tell you the capital of Australia, or any other country. What does that say about our ethics? They are flawed.

The point I'm getting at is that America's lack of interest besides The Office, iPods, and fast cars has led me to realize the importance of meeting new people from different parts of the world. You can't really grow as a person unless you travel and meet other people from different cultures so that you can get an idea of the entire world of different lifestyles and ways of thinking besides your own. Knowledge really is power. And it's how you use that power from knowledge that you make a difference in peoples' lives and leave behind a legacy. You can't really know what you want or like until you've seen and tried everything. That's why I think meeting different people from all over is so cool, because you realize that there is an entire different way of living that you've never known. 

So sorry about my anti-patriotism here, I know I was born in America, and it's given me so much in the past 18 years, but if it doesn't overcome its egoism then the rest of the world will suffer, and that's something that affects us all. So yeah, moral of the story: travel, meet new people, appreciate the different worlds of nature, eat stuff you've never eaten before, learn a new language, make banana milkshakes, watch both of the star wars trilogies back to back, drive a Dodge Challenger with a 440 engine, stay up all night talking with your best friend, go TP-ing, scream at the top of your lungs.....

....at least once in your life. Next post I've been wanting to do for a while will be about music.

Song of the day: Heavenly Day- Patty Griffin

Until next time

Sary

Where did that come from?

So I should REALLY be in bed right now. I have to get up in about 5 hours, but I was just about to hop into bed when I stumbled onto something pretty interesting. There is this AMAZING site I go to regularly where I can just express my opinion about the topic at hand, and we get into some really cool discussions sometimes. It's really a safe haven for me, besides this blog. So today the topic was death and I looked at the clock and it was about 1:20. Now usually, it takes me a really long time to figure out what I'm going to say, and even when I write it down I make a whole bunch of revisions. So I knew it would take me awhile to write out my thoughts, and I should have already been in bed, but I started to write anyway. Surprisingly, this was the fastest I had ever typed out what I was thinking. It only took me a few minutes. Anyways, I was pretty proud (and inspired, if I do say so myself) of what I wrote, so I thought I'd share it with you :)

" I have only really known one person who has passed away, and that was my grandmother, four years ago. At that moment it was so surreal, and I couldn’t believe, so much that it took me one week to actually cry.

Death is something that really scares me, partly because I don’t know what it will feel like, and what will happen afterwards, and partly because I am afraid that I possibly might not live my life to its fullest potential.

Over time, I’ve found myself thinking about death during long periods of time and what it all means, to the point where I scare myself out of my wits. But I think the only honest thing I can say about death is that it happens to everyone, it can happen at anytime. Some people die suddenly and within seconds, and for others its a long, painful, drawn out process. I think the only thing we can do, and something that I try do to personally, is not think about death and live in the moment.

I know we all hear this a lot, and I know it gets pretty repetitive, but we really must live life to the fullest. But more importantly, we must focus on the important things in life. At the end of the road, it won’t matter how much our annual income was, or how big our house was, or any other superficial aspects of life. To me, the consumer driven world is all bull. The people we are, the way our friends and family remember us, the legacy we leave behind: that’s what really matters in the end. And to me, that’s all I can hope to do, that is all I strive for.

So in the end, if my friends and family know just how much I really love them, or if I leave behind an idea or legacy that people can look up to, then I think I’ve done all I can do in my life….so by the time I die, I can look back and be pretty happy about my life."

Sorry it's so somber, but I actually think it's quite optimistic too. Anyways, I should really go now. Going to the beach house this weekend with the grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. It's gonna be so much fun! Hopefully it won't rain as much so we can go in the pool. 

And on another note, I've had THE BIGGEST......urge I guess recently, to sit in the sand at Huntington Beach with Chris and Casey and watch the sunset, with 405 playing in the background. If I could have one wish right now, that would be it.

Song of the day: 405 Acoustic- Death Cab for Cutie

Until next time

Sary

Got it

So many emotions right now, it's hard to keep up. Scared, sad, worried.

Well first of all, my dad is leaving tomorrow morning. And then that's it, I'm here all by myself for the next two months. Granted I have my entire family here, haha, but you know what I mean. I'm away from my parents and my sister. So apart from being scared of living on my own for the first time, I am so worried  for my dad because of the hurricane. He stops in Houston which is right on the Gulf Coast, and the hurricane is going through the Caribbean tomorrow. I hope he gets there okay. 

And something....strange happened to me tonight. I really can't explain it, but basically, I am actually glad to be here now, I know why I'm here, and I have figured out the entire meaning and purpose of my life. It's funny what can happen in 7 minutes. My dad's cousins came tonight to say goodbye to him, and we all sat around talking for awhile. One of them, Erica, was talking about how she used to be like me in the sense that I wanted to live in the States, and that she loved Costa Rica, but she preferred to be over there. And then she said, the thing that made her come here was her mother's last dying breath. 

I was crying by the end of her story, but basically, she told us about the day her mother died, how she was with her on her death bed. If I try to write about it, I won't do it any justice, but the way she spoke, the was she told the story was so moving, and so ominous in a way, because anything to do with death really scares me. She said that the day her mother died, she hadn't opened her eyes in the last three days. And then when she was just minutes away from her death, Erica and her sisters started to say a prayer. The room was completely dark, and one of her sisters had lit a candle. As they were praying, the wax from the candle she was holding was running down the entire length of her arm, and everyone in the room said the prayer with such conviction and confidence, that her mother finally opened her eyes. She said the she looked at her, and it was almost as if a light was coming through her eyes. She said looked so peaceful, and she was so at ease, that she told her, "Mom, it's okay you can go." And then she died. 

I'm telling you, you had to be there in person and hear her telling this story because I got chills and my grandmother and I started crying in front of everyone. Well, the thing is, after that, Erica called her dad and said " I'm staying right here and I'm never going back."

That is what life is. It's being with the people you love, it's doing what you love, it's being in a place that loves you back. There's a certain air and warmness to Costa Rica that you can't find anywhere else, and I'm addicted to it. I'm not being biased either. People from all over the world have said that this is the nicest country they have ever visited, not just because it's beautiful, but because of the people. You won't find people like this anywhere else. And so I realized, as long as I am here and I'm with the people I love, then the rest doesn't really matter. It doesn't matter how much money I make, it doesn't matter what I do, all that matters is that I am home. And now I am certain more than ever that home is here. 

It only took me a week to figure it out, and that's not to say that I don't miss California and all my friends, but I feel as though I've been somewhere else for the last 18 years, and I am finally coming home. Plus, my grandparents aren't getting any younger. I've already had to suffer through the pain of losing a grandmother that I loved so much, but hardly ever got to see. The next time that happens, I'm going to be here with them. 

So I don't know, maybe it's the sadness of my dad leaving me tomorrow, or the fact that I'll be on my own for the next two months, but I finally feel like I understand. Understand what? I don't know. But I understand. 

Song of the day: Morning Theft- Jeff Buckley

Until next time

Sary

I want you so bad...

So I finally got wireless in my grandparent's house, so I am on the Mac once again! How I missed it so. 

Okay, so I've got something on my mind, and I don't know, I think it's a little too personal to put out there. But I'll give it my best shot:

LOVE. What is there to say about love? When do you feel it? What does it feel like? What age should you feel it at?

I personally don't think there's a certain age where you can say, "Okay, I'm this age now, so I can know what love feels like." That's bullshit. You feel it when you feel it. Granted, lots of the younger teenagers say they're in love with their significant other, when it's really just infatuation. I do think they are too young to know what true love feels like, but it's different for all of us. For me, true love is that endless, compassionate, selfless love that you feel for another person. Ask a teenager who is "in love" and most likely, they won't be willing to be compassionate or selfless, and you'll find that it's just infatuation. 

You start to experience true love when you're older because you're more mature and have experienced things in your life that shape you into the person that you are. You know what you want and don't want out of life. And you are more willing to sacrifice for someone that you really care about....

....The reason why I'm bringing this up is because (and this is the embarrassing part) I met someone about three years ago. I have always been extremely attracted to him ( haha, yes it is a him) but I never really did anything about it, because I was always here in Costa and I figured "Why bother, I'm leaving in a few weeks and I'll probably never see him again." Then he came to my house back home and I thought the same thing. And time went by, and I slowly started to forget about him and move on, even though he was still in the back of my mind. Then the day before yesterday, my dad tells me we're gonna go visit him and his family on Wednesday. 

I was all excited and giddy for a while, but then I realized that I had to calm down. He probably had a girlfriend, he doesn't like me anyway, blah blah blah. So by the time we got to his house I was pretty calm and collected. And then I saw him...

.....Holy Shittttt. All those feelings just came flooding back like that. And I couldn't figure out what to do with myself.  So the point I'm trying to get at is that for the longest time, I swore I was in love with this guy. But then I realized I hardly knew him. And I didn't meet up to my own standards of what love is. So for now, I'll call it infatuation. But I've never been this infatuated in my life haha. Any advice?

Song of the day: Heaven- Moonpools & Caterpillars

Until next time

Sary

Ticquisia

No one commented on that last entry where I freaking spilled my guts out to everyone. This is disappointing.

Anyways, Im here (cant find the apostrophe yet so bare with me). Im still too attached to California to call this place home. I think when that day comes it will be a sad day in my life. I know I said I would write two days ago, but it was about the unluckiest day of my life and I was seriously not in the mood to write. And I dont care to retell it right about now so back off.

To make a long story short, adjusting to Costa Rica is going to be a lot tougher than I thought. I miss Chris and Casey so so so much. And its weird because usually when things get tough I just give up. But I cant just quit on this one. I either get used to it or I get used to it. And there is some sadness in that, some nostalgia. Im just really depressed for lack of a better word. I know its only my fourth day here, but I cant see myself living comfortably here for a very long time yet to come.

When it comes down to it, I want to go home. I want to see my best friends.

But that cant happen. Atleast not for now. So I just have to deal with it and move on. I guess this is what being an adult means. People think the transition from kid to grown up is slow and transitive, but thats all bullshit. It just happens from one day to another and bites you in the ass, and then you have to deal with hardships that you have no idea how to handle.

So I know I said that my entries were going to be more philosophical but I think its okay for now to just get my feelings out. Plus, dealing with change in itself is a philosophical concept isnt it? Come to think of it, here is my question for the day.

What drives and motivates you to step out of your comfort zone? How do you deal with change and fear of the unkown?

Talk to me.

Song of the day (insert GODDAMN colon) Lovesong of the Buzzard- Iron and Wine

Until next time
Sary

p.s. that song reminds me of my aquarium adventure with Casey. Awww.

Goodbye for now

In approximately one hour, it will officially be August 29th, a.k.a. my departure. It really didn't hit me until this morning when I was packing my neutrogena stuff: "I am leaving..."

From that moment up until right now, I have been depressed the whole day. It's funny, whenever I'm feeling any sort of emotion, whether it be good or bad, and it's completely overwhelming, there's a word that repeats over and over again in my mind that describes how I am feeling. I remember (and this is really embarrassing) when I got my first kiss, the word was "happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy" over and over again in my mind repeatedly.

And today, the word has been, "sorrow......sorrow......sorrow". Not repeatedly, but every so often when I distract myself just enough to smile, it creeps up on me. I spent one last day with Casey and Chris. Just thinking about the fact that I won't be able to call them all the time, or see them whenever I want to, or immediately tell them about something exciting that happened makes me so sad (for lack of a better word). I think what kills me most is knowing how many miles there are between us.

As I was saying goodbye to them outside of Casey's house, my "sorrow" surprisingly disappeared. Not because I was happy, in fact I didn't feel anything at all. I was numb. I didn't cry. I wish I could react to things faster because everytime something important happens where I know I should feel some emotion, I feel nothing. Even as I was hugging them, I didn't feel anything, except perhaps the slightest bit of disbelief. Then I got in the car, rolled down my windows, blast "Death and all his Friends" through the radio, and started honking all the way down Shady Ridge till I got to Cowan Heights.

As soon as I turned right, something happened. I started to breathe really heavily, like I was lacking oxygen, and by the time I reached Foothill, I was hyperventolating and crying hysterically. I wanted to breathe, but somehow the oxygen wasn't getting in my lungs. And it was the feeling and emotion that I had been lacking the entire day. I had been holding all the sadness in for the past few months, and I guess that was my release, and all these emotions came flooding out. More than anything, it was the knowledge that I wouldn't see them again for atleast a year, and all the things I could've said to them and I didn't.

It's also the knowledge that I won't see any of my friends and family for atleast another year. My aunt started sobbing when she left the house a few minutes ago, and I broke down too, as much as I wanted to hold it in. I'm not going to sleep tonight, I know I won't. Whenever I travel I never sleep the night before. But now on top of worrying about my fear of airports and airplanes, I have to think about everything I'm leaving behind. I've been putting on a brave face for the past few months, but there's no use in denying it anymore- I know I'll get used to Costa Rica, I love it over there. And although in a few months, maybe weeks, I'll call it "home" this place will always, always be my home. This is my heart. I grew up here. The people I love are here. It's as simple as that.

And so my friends, if something happens to me and I don't make it, I'd like to be cremated. I want "Both Sides Now" by Joni Mitchell to play at my funeral. Tell my parents I love them, tell my sister I love her, tell Casey and Chris I love them, tell my family I love them. Someone take good care of Andrew. Remember me and smile.

If not, I will write again on August 31st, 2008 from my new residence, I will update you on my current mood, and I will be waiting for Chris and Casey next summer.

Un-Song of the day: California- Rogue Wave

Until next time, most definitely
Sary

Going away party

My going away party is tonight. Only family though. It's hard to imagine that I won't be seeing these people for years possibly. I had just gotten so used to seeing them every weekend pretty much. 

LeRoi from the Dave Matthews Band passed away a few days ago and Dave Matthews had this to say: 

"It is always easier to leave, than to be left."

Normally quotes don't make that much of an impact on me, but every once in a while one will creep up and have me say, "Woah." I love this quote. He means that it is really hard when someone leaves, but it's always harder on the people that are left behind. And I think this can apply to leaving in all forms, not just in death. 

Unfortunately for me, I get the feeling that when I leave, it's not going to be so hard on the people I leave behind...and by people, I mean my "friends".

Song of the day: Jewel Box- Jeff Buckley

Until next time

Sary

How far is heaven?

I have one bar on my internet connection!! Aaah! It's gonna go any second now so I'll try to type this as fast as I can. Before I vent about my religious point of view, I just thought I'd tell you I'm two pounds lighter. I guess you lose the most in the first week. But it's a work in progress. The diet lasts two months so I didn't expect to lose all the weight I wanted immediately. I just try and take it one day at a time. 

Ok so, my topic for today. By the way, I realize that 3 people at most read my blog so it's not like we can go into a religious debate here, but I just wanted to let you know what my views about heaven are because I haven't really found a forum (i don't mean an internet forum. you know what i mean though) where I can speak openly and honestly about this, so I figured this would be the perfect place. If you want to chime in, please be my guest. Okay, so. HEAVEN. 

Someone asked me if I believed in heaven the other day. I opened my mouth but no sound came out for about five seconds. I knew exactly what I wanted to say, but I just didn't know how to word it. Finally I spoke, and it went something like this: I want to believe in heaven. The idea of life after death, just the idea itself, is so audacious to me. The possibility that we might live forever just completely blows me away. Of course I want to believe that something so magnificent can exist. However, do I know that heaven exists? No. I don't know if heaven exists. Why? Because I haven't seen it. No one has come back from the dead and told me about it. Now, I'm not one of those pessimistic people who say " If I can see it and I can touch it, then it's real". Those people are pathetic. There are billions of things in the universe that exist whether we believe in them or not. There are billions of things that exist in the universe in which we can't even begin to fathom their existence. It doesn't mean they don't exist. Conversely, there are millions of things that don't exist, regardless of our beliefs. They just don't. Heaven falls into this category of things that do or do not exist. It may or may not exist. I simply don't know. And that is my answer. Of course it's possible that it can exist, just as easily as it can't. Am I getting my point across? Now, this doesn't mean I'm agnostic, because I believe in God. 

Let me rephrase that. I believe in a benevolent force that binds, connects, and rules every living thing in this universe. Am I going to put a name on it? No. I don't have to. But just for other's people sake, when they ask me, "Do you believe in God?" I don't want to say, " I believe in the benevolent force that binds, connects, and rules everything." Instead, to make it easier for everyone, I just say "God". 

So to sum things up, I don't know if heaven exists, but I'd like to believe that it does. And I try to not think about too much in my everyday life. Heaven is not a place, it's a destination. In other words, it's not something that people just look at, people actually want to get into heaven. And what do they do to get into heaven? They go to church, feed the poor, and do general good deeds. I recently just realized that that entire act is such a juxtaposition. Supposedly, you're doing good for the sake of others right? But really, it's just to save your own ass from going to hell. So there is nothing noble about these "noble acts" you commit is there? That's why I don't try to think about heaven too much. Because if I do something good for someone, I want it to be for the mere fact that it is the right thing to do. Period, end of story. That's why I don't agree with Christianity and a lot of other religious groups. But that's another entry. I don't really want to get into religion, seeing as how this is one of my longest posts!

But wow, it feels amazing to get it all off my chest. Whooooooo. I said everything I wanted to say. So please, if you're reading this, whoever you are, and you have an opinion, talk to me. 

Song of the day: Just for now- Imogen Heap

Until next time

Sary

Mr. Macintosh

This is my first entry on the Mac. Words can't express how much i love it, which is completely hypocritical, given my hatred of consumerism. But you love what you love. 

Certain events in my life have led me to decide that i want to change this blog in many ways. From now on, we're gonna be a little more philosophical if you don't mind, because i'm really sick of just reciting what i did on a particular day. I mean, who cares? I lived it, it's done, move on. And considering the fact that I'm leaving in 11 days and about to embark on an adventure that i have NO IDEA of the outcome, I think it's time to grow up and take a look at the world around me. It's time to understand why things are the way that they are, why people are a certain way, what drives us as a race, what drives me, how do i get rid of my inadequacies, how do i become the best possible version of ME?

I hate to say it, but there's more to life than Macs ( even though they're awesome), and cars, and college, and parties, and television, and superficial friends, and everything else that at the end of our lives, will not matter at all. There's an entire list of goals that I have set for myself now, and maybe if i get them all out on here, it will make the tasks a little bit easier. So that's all for now. 

On a final note (reverting back to the old blog) I saw the Disneyland fireworks on Saturday for the last time. I just sat down on some steps in the middle of Anaheim and watched for 15 minutes....

....check. 

Song of the day: Passenger Seat- Death Cab for Cutie

Until next time

Sary

it's just hair

it'll grow back. not that i really want it to, because i luuuurve it. i went to the salon today in the morning and cut like 4 or 5 inches off? and i got some bangs. sweeeeeeeet.

since this is my blogger, and i'm allowed to write whatever i want to write regardless of how embarrassing it might be, i guess i'll tell you that i have started a weight-loss journey. I really just want to shed some extra uncomfortable pounds and get nice for Costa Rica. I'm on this high-protein, no sugar diet where i can only eat 20 grams of carbs per day. I started on Monday, and let me tell you, the first two days were freaking tough. Yesterday was the worst. I was depressed and had no energy at all. I guess I was having a withdrawal. I gotta say though, if that was a "can't eat whatever i want" withdrawal, I can't imagine how a cocaine or meth withdrawal feels. I mean, I felt like shit yesterday only because I couldn't have any sugar. Imagine how all those other people feel when they're in rehab...

Anyways, I woke up today and fortunately I feel great! It's like the " 3 Day Hump" that Morgan Spurlock talks about in "Super Size Me". If you can go three days without smoking, then you're good. If you can go three days without sugar then you're good. haha. So I was reading the book that I bought for the diet and this one lady lost 16 pounds in one week! And it looks like I'm right on track because i've lost 5 pounds in the last two days. Hopefully I can keep it up till the 29th, save one special day I'm planning with Casey and Chris where I don't want to think about anything, especially keeping my diet.

So that's the skinny on me for now..........HA! look at that! get it? skinny? eh, nevermind.

Song of the day: Who Wants to live Forever- Queen

Until next time
Sary

p.s. I'll keep updating so you can go along on this weight loss journey with me!

what to write?

i really can't think of anything important to write, except that the opening ceremony for the Olympics made me cry, and I still can't believe that Bernie Mac died!

The creepy thing is though, the very night before I looked him up on youtube and told my dad to watch him because he was hilarious. And then he died a few hours later. Now you might think I'm crazy, but I've had this theory ever since I was a kid that I make all these famous people die. I'm not even kidding. When I was seven, I saw Princess Diana on television, and obviously I knew how famous and important she was. And I thought, what would happen if she died? Like how big would it be in the news and stuff?

A few weeks later SHE DIED. I still blame myself for that death. Then a few years later, I was thinking, "Gosh, no one famous has died in a while. I want someone to die soon." I know, I know, it sounds HORRRRRIBLE. But I was a kid. It's still an awful thing to say. Low and behold a few days later, Frank Sinatra died. That's happened to me several times now with a lot of other celebrities. And just a few days ago B. Mac died. I know I didn't actually say I wish he died but I always have some kind of connection to them before they die, whether I see them on TV or think about them a lot oddly right before they die, or actually say it. I don't know. It's just another factor to add to the theory that I'm part psychic. But more on that theory some other time.

In the mean time, the mac? Pretty much in the bag, baby.

Song of the day: Cath...- Death Cab for Cutie

Until next time

Sary

my departure

As of three days ago, I am officially leaving for Costa Rica on August 29th. That's about, 5 months before I originally intended. But truth be told, I'm not DOING anything here. I could be spending my time going over my spanish, hanging out with my cousins, and making bank at work, but instead I'm sitting on the couch all day, watching Jon and Kate plus 8. I know it's totally lame.

I'm glad I have a set date though, because now I can get all my shit together and do the things that i've been putting off all summer. In about three weeks time, I'll be hitting the road with nothing but a suitcase in one hand, and my guitar in the other (there's no way in hell i'm going 5 months without playing) and I almost forgot, with my new laptop. Dad wants to get me a Dell, but hopefully I can persuade him onto the darkside and get him to buy me a Mac. And I know there's no way of saying that previous sentence without sounding REALLY stuck up, so back off.

Also, there is something that i've been wanting to say for a while now, and I figure that this is the best place to say it. Ready?

FUCK YOU, JONAS BROTHERS.

All of you sound like girls you little pussies. Fuck you, and your fucking teeny-bopper fan base. I fucking hate you. hahahahahahahhaha.

no, i really do though.

Song of the day: Untitled- Northern

Until next time

Sary

well here it is

for as long as i can remember, all i have wanted to do is be a filmmaker. i had a set plan down to the most minute detail as to how i was going to make it happen. and now that plan is thrown out the window. i know that i am the one who agreed to leave, and there are so many positive things that will come from living in costa rica. but i can't help feeling that i am making the biggest mistake of my life.

i say this because my entire life i have heard to aim high and follow your dreams. and what i am doing right now is the opposite. i have heard countless adults say that they gave up their dream and regretted it because their entire life might have been different. i'm only 18 and i can already see myself being one of those adults later on in my life. the most depressing part is that when i was younger i told myself i would never be one of those people.

lately i've been trying to snap myself out of this realization: that almost no one makes it in the business, it's way too much hard work, it's one of the most expensive careers in term of tuition, and blah blah blah. but i know that if i don't atleast try, i'll spend the rest of my life saying "What if." It would suck after all this time of wanting to be a director if it never happened for me. But the only thing that would suck more than that is if i didn't even take the chance to try and see what the experience was like.

and on the other side of the dime, there's the life that awaits me in costa rica. i have my family there. i have my friends there. i have a lifestyle that is a million times better than the one here in california. i have more freedom. i have a lifetime of wonderful memories waiting to be made. but what i don't have is following a career that i am passionate about. to be honest, i'm not really looking forward to starting school in january because i'll be studying something that KINDA interests me. and it's what i have to settle for because it's the only profession that i'm interested in and makes a lot of money. i have been told by EVERYONE in my family to pick something that has a good annual income. So....psychology? not a chance. Human resources? not a chance. And filmmaking? At the bottom of the barrel. Filmmaking is quite possibly the lowest paying job in Costa Rica, not to mention the hardest job to get. And the funny thing is, before i told myself i would never settle for something i wasn't passionate about just because the pay was better. and that's exactly what i'm doing.

So. To sum it up:

- I want to leave California

- In Costa Rica, I'll have my friends, family, different lifestyle, etc.

- However, I will have to settle for a career that doesn't interest me that much

- In California, filmmaking is offered almost everywhere and L.A. is pretty much the Mecca of cinema

- However, I will be alone, with no friends or family and there is no way i could pay for school.

What......

the hell.......

should i do.......

Well, while you and i think about it, I should tell you that there was an earthquake today! You probably felt it too, whoever you are. And I think it's a sign that i should make up my mind right now.

Song of the day: Return to Innocence- Enigma

Until next time

Sary

what has happened

here is my life in a nutshell since i last wrote.

- have become addicted to Gran Turismo 3
- have read almost every book in my library
- have gone to the movies 4 times in a row, back to back
- realized that Kristin Kreuk will be at Comic- Con tomorrow signing autographs
- kicking myself in the butt for not buying Comic- Con tickets
- sulking about missing Coldplay
- have had a hard time figuring out what i'm going to do for the rest of my life
- am much much closer to finding out the meaning of life (well, my life anyway).

There's a whole dilemma going on inside my head right now. It's so bad it keeps me up late at night, tossing and turning, and I find myself going to bed at 4 in the morning because I'm too busy thinking about it. But it just doesn't feel right to share or explain right now, so I will leave it until the next entry. I promise I will say what it is and why it's been bothering me.

But today is a beautiful day. I'm going out to lunch in a few, and hopefully going to the US Open tomorrow with Kelso. Haha, maybe then I will be able to think about the fact that Kristin Kreuk and the rest of the Smallville panel at Comic- Con are on the same coast line, two hours south, and it will lift my spirits up.

Song of the day: Dream Girl- Dave Matthews Band

Until next time
Sary

diminishing

i had to say that i finished the sixth Harry Potter book (finally!) in two days. now i can't wait to read the last one.

anyways, i have recently come to terms with the fact that saying goodbye to this place and these people in November (hopefully) won't be as hard as I thought, save one person.....


....YUP.

and in thinking a lot about my life recently, here's a little insight into what my life would be if it was a movie. i love these things.


Opening Credits: Name- Goo Goo Dolls

Birth: American Beauty- Thomas Newman

Waking Up: Blackbird- The Beatles

First Day At School: Linger- Cranberries

High School: Let Me Love You- Mario

Fight Song: Cemeteries of London- Coldplay

First Love: 1,2,3,4- Feist

Breaking Up: Save Me- Remy Zero (haha um okay?)

Prom: Daylight- Coldplay

Losing your Virginity: 23- Jimmy Eat World

College: Strawberry Fields- Jim Sturgess

Life: Open Wide- Future of Forestry

Mental Breakdown: Signs of love- Moby

Driving: Pump it- Black Eyed Peas

Flashback: Talk- Coldplay

Meeting The One: I am snow- Sol Seppy

Getting back together: Your Song- Elton John

Wedding: New Sensation- INXS (HA)

Birth of Child: Just let go- Mae

Midlife Crisis: You only live once- The Strokes

Old Age: Maps- The Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Death Scene: Are you gonna go my way- Lenny Kravitz (cool way to check out i guess)

Funeral Song: We Illuminate- Northern (Perfect)

End Credits: Blind- Lifehouse

and there you have it. i'm gonna go spoon with Andrew now.

Song of the day: Mona Lisa- Grant Lee Phillips

Until next time
Sary

wooooooot!

i just got back from a college get-together 4th of july party watcha ma call it with Chris. So much freaking fun!

i can't believe it's been a year since i went to the Queen Mary with Chris to watch the fireworks. That is one of my favorite memories ever and tonight is pretty close up there.

Anywho, I had some much needed fun tonight and after having a little pep talk with Chris, things are definitely in perspective and I feel much better about my situation now. Haha, he's always good at calming me down when it comes to things like that. Apart from being a distraction from all the ISH in my life right now, I met a whole bunch of chill people at Choi's house (sp?) who were all really nice and funny.

And I met this guy named Tyler who is completely adorable and it's safe to say i have a new crush now haha.

To sum things up, tonight was a lifesaver. I would've definitely gone off the deep end if i hadn't gone. I was really hesitant to go, and almost ended up not going, but i am so glad i did. I am happy right now. Which is something that hasn't been happening in my life lately. YUSSSS.

Song of the day: Lost- Coldplay

Until next time
Sary

let's lighten things up

1) If you HAD to get a tattoo, where would you want it? Forearm

2) If you HAD to dye your hair a color what color would it be? a really light brown

3) If you HAD to get a piercing (THAT ISN'T YOUR EARS) what would it be? Eyebrow

4) If you HAD to change your name, what new name would you choose? Samantha. I've always loved that name.

The "WOULD YOU?" section:

1) Would you rather love one person or have many short relationships? One person

2) Would you move anywhere else if you could? OH BOY, would I.

3) If you were given the chance to go to Paris, would you go? Of course I would.

4) If you were given 10 million dollars to keep, what would you do? Spend a small percent of it, give half to charity, invest the rest.

The "LETS SAY" section:

1) Lets say you had to eat a live tarantula for $1,000: Umm, okay.

2) Lets say you could star in any movie (made or in the works) what movie? Ahh! Garden State for sure. And Deathproof.

The "OTHER STUFF" section:

1) What makes your bedroom unique? The awesome James Dean poster

2) Whats your favorite season of the year? Winter!

3) Do you like cheese? I luuurve cheese.

The "2008" section:

1) Good new years? Umm, not really. It was kinda sad.

2) Are you the same person as you were at the beginning of 2008? Absolutely not. It's funny It's only been what? 7 months? But I have changed a lot.

3) Anything exciting happen this year? I'm sure...

4) Have you been involved with the police this year? I have actually.

5) Are your best friends still your best friends? Good question. I'd like to know too.

6) Got any tattoos or piercings this year? Nope

7) Had a haircut yet this year? No. I'm going to chop it off next week.

8) Been in a hospital this year? Haven't stepped foot in one.

9) Lost someone you cared about this year? Um, no.

11) Been kicked out of a public place this year? No, I kicked someone out though haha.

12) Last time visiting the Library? School library, a few months ago. Public library, second grade haha.

13) What are you listening to? What AM I listening to? Public Enemy.

14) Do you like to hold hands? Ha, depends on the person.

15) Do you over analyze things? Always always always.

16) Do you have any tests or exams soon? None till next year, hopefully!

18) Coffee: Love it or hate it? Meh, who cares.

19) When you see a foggy window do you feel the need to write or draw on it? Yes, absolutely.

20) How many watches do you own? One.

21) How many jobs have you ever had? Hehe, umm, none?

22) What should you be doing? Folding laundry, walking Andrew, cleaning my room, the list goes on.

23) When was the last time you saw your father? Last night.

24) Do you currently like someone? Umm... technically speaking? Yes.

Song of the day: He Got Game- Public Enemy

Until next time
Sary

a wonderful world?

the new song pretty much sums up what i've been thinking lately; politically, environmentally, spiritually, personally, in every aspect of my life, i'm not sure if it really is a wonderful world out there. my neverending optimism has been waivering lately. if there was a word to sum up what i am, it would be "DONE".

i am done with this place, these goddamn people, i am done with any responsibility that i have or that i planned to have in the near future. everything that i wanted to do this summer is cancelled. if i could, i would leave this very second. EFF ITTTTTTTT.

and the funny thing is, i'm not freaking out about my current situation. i am surprisingly calm, but then again looks can be deceiving. i am more like a volcano right now. calm on the outside, thoughts and feelings all bottled up on the inside, and i could explode at any minute. pretty much anything can set me off right now......

Song of the day: Your Heart is an Empty Room- Death Cab for Cutie

Until next time
Sary

en español

les ganamos hijueputas! jjajaja.

bueno, hablando de otras cosas, estoy harta de esta mierda. ya se lo que habia dicho antes pero que no me jodan mas estos malparidos. coman mierda. ni se por que estoy aqui. ojala que me fuera al fin del verano. ya me quiero ir. en este mierdero no hay nada que valga la pena, ni los amigos aparentemente.

Cancion del dia: California- Rogue Wave

Hasta la proxima
Sary