This is me, one year ago.
....not only does this mark the first entry of May, but it is also
MY BIRTHDAY!!
So I was lying in bed watching American Idol when I realized it was only a few minutes till midnight. So I opened my dashboard to the little calendar thingy and counted down the seconds till Monday. It was pretty cool watching the number change from a three to a four. And now it's 6 past midnight. I thought, I think I'll write in a new entry in my first minutes of being 19!
Exactly one year ago today, I had just had one of the best nights of my life at prom, we had gotten out at 11:30 or so, and right about now we would've been driving to Tustin Lanes for midnight bowling. Gosh, such fond memories it really makes me want to cry, especially with Sigur Ros playing in the background right now. I like these little moments to myself when everyone else is asleep and I can just have some time to think and reflect. So a few thoughts about turning 19:
I am way excited. I mentioned before I always looked forward to turning 19 which is weird because I simply abhorred turning 18. At the same time it's kind of sad because it technically marks the end of my teenage years. I know I've got my whole life ahead of me, but I really feel like the years are coming on fast. It isn't until now that I realize how fleeting life can be. Lately I've been having a lot of dreams about my family and friends dying or just losing someone in general and I'm not really sure what that means. I guess I've been thinking a lot about death lately and the fact that my birthday was coming up just really made me realize how lucky I was to be alive and how I should take advantage of the little time I have, that we all have here.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that....next year I'll be 20. God just typing that out makes me feel weird. And I remember as a kid always wondering what I would look like and the person I would be as an adult. It's one of those things that you always know is going to happen, but it's always surprising when it comes around. I remember feeling this exact same way at graduation. The time is coming when that question that I had as a kid will finally be answered and I guess it just hasn't really sunk in is all. But for what it's worth, I'm pretty happy with the person that I've become. There's definitely a lot of room for improvement, but the basics are there. I think I've started to become the person that I eventually want to be. Now I just have to put the gear in second and I'll be on my way.
But I've already started to make that change. Jesus, just looking back to a year ago, I was a newly-turned 18 year old, couldn't wait to graduate and really had no idea what would happen to me here. And I really didn't have any opinions about anything: politics, the environment, the human condition, nothing. And I really attribute my self-realization to my move down here. Once I was stripped away from the home I had known all my life, my best friends, all the materialistic bullshit I finally had the chance to find myself, to figure out what I wanted to do, who I wanted to be. It's funny but it took leaving California for me to actually grow as a person. I have changed so much in the last year. And as hard as this move was, I don't regret it, and I would do it again. Because if I hadn't I would still be that ignorant, apathetic person I was a year ago.
I really feel sorry for a lot of my friends back home, who have no thoughts about life and don't care about anything other than getting high and putting more music on their iPod. If they could just get out and get a glimpse of the world like I did, and realize that there's so much more out there....I don't know. Maybe we all would've had a psychological revolution.
Anyways, I am thankful that I survived another year. I hope that this year will yield even more change and growth on my part. Here's to my last year as a "teenager" haha. Let's make the most of it.
Song of the day: Gódan Daginn- Sigur Ros
Until next time
Sary