well here it is

for as long as i can remember, all i have wanted to do is be a filmmaker. i had a set plan down to the most minute detail as to how i was going to make it happen. and now that plan is thrown out the window. i know that i am the one who agreed to leave, and there are so many positive things that will come from living in costa rica. but i can't help feeling that i am making the biggest mistake of my life.

i say this because my entire life i have heard to aim high and follow your dreams. and what i am doing right now is the opposite. i have heard countless adults say that they gave up their dream and regretted it because their entire life might have been different. i'm only 18 and i can already see myself being one of those adults later on in my life. the most depressing part is that when i was younger i told myself i would never be one of those people.

lately i've been trying to snap myself out of this realization: that almost no one makes it in the business, it's way too much hard work, it's one of the most expensive careers in term of tuition, and blah blah blah. but i know that if i don't atleast try, i'll spend the rest of my life saying "What if." It would suck after all this time of wanting to be a director if it never happened for me. But the only thing that would suck more than that is if i didn't even take the chance to try and see what the experience was like.

and on the other side of the dime, there's the life that awaits me in costa rica. i have my family there. i have my friends there. i have a lifestyle that is a million times better than the one here in california. i have more freedom. i have a lifetime of wonderful memories waiting to be made. but what i don't have is following a career that i am passionate about. to be honest, i'm not really looking forward to starting school in january because i'll be studying something that KINDA interests me. and it's what i have to settle for because it's the only profession that i'm interested in and makes a lot of money. i have been told by EVERYONE in my family to pick something that has a good annual income. So....psychology? not a chance. Human resources? not a chance. And filmmaking? At the bottom of the barrel. Filmmaking is quite possibly the lowest paying job in Costa Rica, not to mention the hardest job to get. And the funny thing is, before i told myself i would never settle for something i wasn't passionate about just because the pay was better. and that's exactly what i'm doing.

So. To sum it up:

- I want to leave California

- In Costa Rica, I'll have my friends, family, different lifestyle, etc.

- However, I will have to settle for a career that doesn't interest me that much

- In California, filmmaking is offered almost everywhere and L.A. is pretty much the Mecca of cinema

- However, I will be alone, with no friends or family and there is no way i could pay for school.

What......

the hell.......

should i do.......

Well, while you and i think about it, I should tell you that there was an earthquake today! You probably felt it too, whoever you are. And I think it's a sign that i should make up my mind right now.

Song of the day: Return to Innocence- Enigma

Until next time

Sary

what has happened

here is my life in a nutshell since i last wrote.

- have become addicted to Gran Turismo 3
- have read almost every book in my library
- have gone to the movies 4 times in a row, back to back
- realized that Kristin Kreuk will be at Comic- Con tomorrow signing autographs
- kicking myself in the butt for not buying Comic- Con tickets
- sulking about missing Coldplay
- have had a hard time figuring out what i'm going to do for the rest of my life
- am much much closer to finding out the meaning of life (well, my life anyway).

There's a whole dilemma going on inside my head right now. It's so bad it keeps me up late at night, tossing and turning, and I find myself going to bed at 4 in the morning because I'm too busy thinking about it. But it just doesn't feel right to share or explain right now, so I will leave it until the next entry. I promise I will say what it is and why it's been bothering me.

But today is a beautiful day. I'm going out to lunch in a few, and hopefully going to the US Open tomorrow with Kelso. Haha, maybe then I will be able to think about the fact that Kristin Kreuk and the rest of the Smallville panel at Comic- Con are on the same coast line, two hours south, and it will lift my spirits up.

Song of the day: Dream Girl- Dave Matthews Band

Until next time
Sary

diminishing

i had to say that i finished the sixth Harry Potter book (finally!) in two days. now i can't wait to read the last one.

anyways, i have recently come to terms with the fact that saying goodbye to this place and these people in November (hopefully) won't be as hard as I thought, save one person.....


....YUP.

and in thinking a lot about my life recently, here's a little insight into what my life would be if it was a movie. i love these things.


Opening Credits: Name- Goo Goo Dolls

Birth: American Beauty- Thomas Newman

Waking Up: Blackbird- The Beatles

First Day At School: Linger- Cranberries

High School: Let Me Love You- Mario

Fight Song: Cemeteries of London- Coldplay

First Love: 1,2,3,4- Feist

Breaking Up: Save Me- Remy Zero (haha um okay?)

Prom: Daylight- Coldplay

Losing your Virginity: 23- Jimmy Eat World

College: Strawberry Fields- Jim Sturgess

Life: Open Wide- Future of Forestry

Mental Breakdown: Signs of love- Moby

Driving: Pump it- Black Eyed Peas

Flashback: Talk- Coldplay

Meeting The One: I am snow- Sol Seppy

Getting back together: Your Song- Elton John

Wedding: New Sensation- INXS (HA)

Birth of Child: Just let go- Mae

Midlife Crisis: You only live once- The Strokes

Old Age: Maps- The Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Death Scene: Are you gonna go my way- Lenny Kravitz (cool way to check out i guess)

Funeral Song: We Illuminate- Northern (Perfect)

End Credits: Blind- Lifehouse

and there you have it. i'm gonna go spoon with Andrew now.

Song of the day: Mona Lisa- Grant Lee Phillips

Until next time
Sary

wooooooot!

i just got back from a college get-together 4th of july party watcha ma call it with Chris. So much freaking fun!

i can't believe it's been a year since i went to the Queen Mary with Chris to watch the fireworks. That is one of my favorite memories ever and tonight is pretty close up there.

Anywho, I had some much needed fun tonight and after having a little pep talk with Chris, things are definitely in perspective and I feel much better about my situation now. Haha, he's always good at calming me down when it comes to things like that. Apart from being a distraction from all the ISH in my life right now, I met a whole bunch of chill people at Choi's house (sp?) who were all really nice and funny.

And I met this guy named Tyler who is completely adorable and it's safe to say i have a new crush now haha.

To sum things up, tonight was a lifesaver. I would've definitely gone off the deep end if i hadn't gone. I was really hesitant to go, and almost ended up not going, but i am so glad i did. I am happy right now. Which is something that hasn't been happening in my life lately. YUSSSS.

Song of the day: Lost- Coldplay

Until next time
Sary

let's lighten things up

1) If you HAD to get a tattoo, where would you want it? Forearm

2) If you HAD to dye your hair a color what color would it be? a really light brown

3) If you HAD to get a piercing (THAT ISN'T YOUR EARS) what would it be? Eyebrow

4) If you HAD to change your name, what new name would you choose? Samantha. I've always loved that name.

The "WOULD YOU?" section:

1) Would you rather love one person or have many short relationships? One person

2) Would you move anywhere else if you could? OH BOY, would I.

3) If you were given the chance to go to Paris, would you go? Of course I would.

4) If you were given 10 million dollars to keep, what would you do? Spend a small percent of it, give half to charity, invest the rest.

The "LETS SAY" section:

1) Lets say you had to eat a live tarantula for $1,000: Umm, okay.

2) Lets say you could star in any movie (made or in the works) what movie? Ahh! Garden State for sure. And Deathproof.

The "OTHER STUFF" section:

1) What makes your bedroom unique? The awesome James Dean poster

2) Whats your favorite season of the year? Winter!

3) Do you like cheese? I luuurve cheese.

The "2008" section:

1) Good new years? Umm, not really. It was kinda sad.

2) Are you the same person as you were at the beginning of 2008? Absolutely not. It's funny It's only been what? 7 months? But I have changed a lot.

3) Anything exciting happen this year? I'm sure...

4) Have you been involved with the police this year? I have actually.

5) Are your best friends still your best friends? Good question. I'd like to know too.

6) Got any tattoos or piercings this year? Nope

7) Had a haircut yet this year? No. I'm going to chop it off next week.

8) Been in a hospital this year? Haven't stepped foot in one.

9) Lost someone you cared about this year? Um, no.

11) Been kicked out of a public place this year? No, I kicked someone out though haha.

12) Last time visiting the Library? School library, a few months ago. Public library, second grade haha.

13) What are you listening to? What AM I listening to? Public Enemy.

14) Do you like to hold hands? Ha, depends on the person.

15) Do you over analyze things? Always always always.

16) Do you have any tests or exams soon? None till next year, hopefully!

18) Coffee: Love it or hate it? Meh, who cares.

19) When you see a foggy window do you feel the need to write or draw on it? Yes, absolutely.

20) How many watches do you own? One.

21) How many jobs have you ever had? Hehe, umm, none?

22) What should you be doing? Folding laundry, walking Andrew, cleaning my room, the list goes on.

23) When was the last time you saw your father? Last night.

24) Do you currently like someone? Umm... technically speaking? Yes.

Song of the day: He Got Game- Public Enemy

Until next time
Sary

a wonderful world?

the new song pretty much sums up what i've been thinking lately; politically, environmentally, spiritually, personally, in every aspect of my life, i'm not sure if it really is a wonderful world out there. my neverending optimism has been waivering lately. if there was a word to sum up what i am, it would be "DONE".

i am done with this place, these goddamn people, i am done with any responsibility that i have or that i planned to have in the near future. everything that i wanted to do this summer is cancelled. if i could, i would leave this very second. EFF ITTTTTTTT.

and the funny thing is, i'm not freaking out about my current situation. i am surprisingly calm, but then again looks can be deceiving. i am more like a volcano right now. calm on the outside, thoughts and feelings all bottled up on the inside, and i could explode at any minute. pretty much anything can set me off right now......

Song of the day: Your Heart is an Empty Room- Death Cab for Cutie

Until next time
Sary