Goodbye for now

In approximately one hour, it will officially be August 29th, a.k.a. my departure. It really didn't hit me until this morning when I was packing my neutrogena stuff: "I am leaving..."

From that moment up until right now, I have been depressed the whole day. It's funny, whenever I'm feeling any sort of emotion, whether it be good or bad, and it's completely overwhelming, there's a word that repeats over and over again in my mind that describes how I am feeling. I remember (and this is really embarrassing) when I got my first kiss, the word was "happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy" over and over again in my mind repeatedly.

And today, the word has been, "sorrow......sorrow......sorrow". Not repeatedly, but every so often when I distract myself just enough to smile, it creeps up on me. I spent one last day with Casey and Chris. Just thinking about the fact that I won't be able to call them all the time, or see them whenever I want to, or immediately tell them about something exciting that happened makes me so sad (for lack of a better word). I think what kills me most is knowing how many miles there are between us.

As I was saying goodbye to them outside of Casey's house, my "sorrow" surprisingly disappeared. Not because I was happy, in fact I didn't feel anything at all. I was numb. I didn't cry. I wish I could react to things faster because everytime something important happens where I know I should feel some emotion, I feel nothing. Even as I was hugging them, I didn't feel anything, except perhaps the slightest bit of disbelief. Then I got in the car, rolled down my windows, blast "Death and all his Friends" through the radio, and started honking all the way down Shady Ridge till I got to Cowan Heights.

As soon as I turned right, something happened. I started to breathe really heavily, like I was lacking oxygen, and by the time I reached Foothill, I was hyperventolating and crying hysterically. I wanted to breathe, but somehow the oxygen wasn't getting in my lungs. And it was the feeling and emotion that I had been lacking the entire day. I had been holding all the sadness in for the past few months, and I guess that was my release, and all these emotions came flooding out. More than anything, it was the knowledge that I wouldn't see them again for atleast a year, and all the things I could've said to them and I didn't.

It's also the knowledge that I won't see any of my friends and family for atleast another year. My aunt started sobbing when she left the house a few minutes ago, and I broke down too, as much as I wanted to hold it in. I'm not going to sleep tonight, I know I won't. Whenever I travel I never sleep the night before. But now on top of worrying about my fear of airports and airplanes, I have to think about everything I'm leaving behind. I've been putting on a brave face for the past few months, but there's no use in denying it anymore- I know I'll get used to Costa Rica, I love it over there. And although in a few months, maybe weeks, I'll call it "home" this place will always, always be my home. This is my heart. I grew up here. The people I love are here. It's as simple as that.

And so my friends, if something happens to me and I don't make it, I'd like to be cremated. I want "Both Sides Now" by Joni Mitchell to play at my funeral. Tell my parents I love them, tell my sister I love her, tell Casey and Chris I love them, tell my family I love them. Someone take good care of Andrew. Remember me and smile.

If not, I will write again on August 31st, 2008 from my new residence, I will update you on my current mood, and I will be waiting for Chris and Casey next summer.

Un-Song of the day: California- Rogue Wave

Until next time, most definitely
Sary

Going away party

My going away party is tonight. Only family though. It's hard to imagine that I won't be seeing these people for years possibly. I had just gotten so used to seeing them every weekend pretty much. 

LeRoi from the Dave Matthews Band passed away a few days ago and Dave Matthews had this to say: 

"It is always easier to leave, than to be left."

Normally quotes don't make that much of an impact on me, but every once in a while one will creep up and have me say, "Woah." I love this quote. He means that it is really hard when someone leaves, but it's always harder on the people that are left behind. And I think this can apply to leaving in all forms, not just in death. 

Unfortunately for me, I get the feeling that when I leave, it's not going to be so hard on the people I leave behind...and by people, I mean my "friends".

Song of the day: Jewel Box- Jeff Buckley

Until next time

Sary

How far is heaven?

I have one bar on my internet connection!! Aaah! It's gonna go any second now so I'll try to type this as fast as I can. Before I vent about my religious point of view, I just thought I'd tell you I'm two pounds lighter. I guess you lose the most in the first week. But it's a work in progress. The diet lasts two months so I didn't expect to lose all the weight I wanted immediately. I just try and take it one day at a time. 

Ok so, my topic for today. By the way, I realize that 3 people at most read my blog so it's not like we can go into a religious debate here, but I just wanted to let you know what my views about heaven are because I haven't really found a forum (i don't mean an internet forum. you know what i mean though) where I can speak openly and honestly about this, so I figured this would be the perfect place. If you want to chime in, please be my guest. Okay, so. HEAVEN. 

Someone asked me if I believed in heaven the other day. I opened my mouth but no sound came out for about five seconds. I knew exactly what I wanted to say, but I just didn't know how to word it. Finally I spoke, and it went something like this: I want to believe in heaven. The idea of life after death, just the idea itself, is so audacious to me. The possibility that we might live forever just completely blows me away. Of course I want to believe that something so magnificent can exist. However, do I know that heaven exists? No. I don't know if heaven exists. Why? Because I haven't seen it. No one has come back from the dead and told me about it. Now, I'm not one of those pessimistic people who say " If I can see it and I can touch it, then it's real". Those people are pathetic. There are billions of things in the universe that exist whether we believe in them or not. There are billions of things that exist in the universe in which we can't even begin to fathom their existence. It doesn't mean they don't exist. Conversely, there are millions of things that don't exist, regardless of our beliefs. They just don't. Heaven falls into this category of things that do or do not exist. It may or may not exist. I simply don't know. And that is my answer. Of course it's possible that it can exist, just as easily as it can't. Am I getting my point across? Now, this doesn't mean I'm agnostic, because I believe in God. 

Let me rephrase that. I believe in a benevolent force that binds, connects, and rules every living thing in this universe. Am I going to put a name on it? No. I don't have to. But just for other's people sake, when they ask me, "Do you believe in God?" I don't want to say, " I believe in the benevolent force that binds, connects, and rules everything." Instead, to make it easier for everyone, I just say "God". 

So to sum things up, I don't know if heaven exists, but I'd like to believe that it does. And I try to not think about too much in my everyday life. Heaven is not a place, it's a destination. In other words, it's not something that people just look at, people actually want to get into heaven. And what do they do to get into heaven? They go to church, feed the poor, and do general good deeds. I recently just realized that that entire act is such a juxtaposition. Supposedly, you're doing good for the sake of others right? But really, it's just to save your own ass from going to hell. So there is nothing noble about these "noble acts" you commit is there? That's why I don't try to think about heaven too much. Because if I do something good for someone, I want it to be for the mere fact that it is the right thing to do. Period, end of story. That's why I don't agree with Christianity and a lot of other religious groups. But that's another entry. I don't really want to get into religion, seeing as how this is one of my longest posts!

But wow, it feels amazing to get it all off my chest. Whooooooo. I said everything I wanted to say. So please, if you're reading this, whoever you are, and you have an opinion, talk to me. 

Song of the day: Just for now- Imogen Heap

Until next time

Sary

Mr. Macintosh

This is my first entry on the Mac. Words can't express how much i love it, which is completely hypocritical, given my hatred of consumerism. But you love what you love. 

Certain events in my life have led me to decide that i want to change this blog in many ways. From now on, we're gonna be a little more philosophical if you don't mind, because i'm really sick of just reciting what i did on a particular day. I mean, who cares? I lived it, it's done, move on. And considering the fact that I'm leaving in 11 days and about to embark on an adventure that i have NO IDEA of the outcome, I think it's time to grow up and take a look at the world around me. It's time to understand why things are the way that they are, why people are a certain way, what drives us as a race, what drives me, how do i get rid of my inadequacies, how do i become the best possible version of ME?

I hate to say it, but there's more to life than Macs ( even though they're awesome), and cars, and college, and parties, and television, and superficial friends, and everything else that at the end of our lives, will not matter at all. There's an entire list of goals that I have set for myself now, and maybe if i get them all out on here, it will make the tasks a little bit easier. So that's all for now. 

On a final note (reverting back to the old blog) I saw the Disneyland fireworks on Saturday for the last time. I just sat down on some steps in the middle of Anaheim and watched for 15 minutes....

....check. 

Song of the day: Passenger Seat- Death Cab for Cutie

Until next time

Sary

it's just hair

it'll grow back. not that i really want it to, because i luuuurve it. i went to the salon today in the morning and cut like 4 or 5 inches off? and i got some bangs. sweeeeeeeet.

since this is my blogger, and i'm allowed to write whatever i want to write regardless of how embarrassing it might be, i guess i'll tell you that i have started a weight-loss journey. I really just want to shed some extra uncomfortable pounds and get nice for Costa Rica. I'm on this high-protein, no sugar diet where i can only eat 20 grams of carbs per day. I started on Monday, and let me tell you, the first two days were freaking tough. Yesterday was the worst. I was depressed and had no energy at all. I guess I was having a withdrawal. I gotta say though, if that was a "can't eat whatever i want" withdrawal, I can't imagine how a cocaine or meth withdrawal feels. I mean, I felt like shit yesterday only because I couldn't have any sugar. Imagine how all those other people feel when they're in rehab...

Anyways, I woke up today and fortunately I feel great! It's like the " 3 Day Hump" that Morgan Spurlock talks about in "Super Size Me". If you can go three days without smoking, then you're good. If you can go three days without sugar then you're good. haha. So I was reading the book that I bought for the diet and this one lady lost 16 pounds in one week! And it looks like I'm right on track because i've lost 5 pounds in the last two days. Hopefully I can keep it up till the 29th, save one special day I'm planning with Casey and Chris where I don't want to think about anything, especially keeping my diet.

So that's the skinny on me for now..........HA! look at that! get it? skinny? eh, nevermind.

Song of the day: Who Wants to live Forever- Queen

Until next time
Sary

p.s. I'll keep updating so you can go along on this weight loss journey with me!

what to write?

i really can't think of anything important to write, except that the opening ceremony for the Olympics made me cry, and I still can't believe that Bernie Mac died!

The creepy thing is though, the very night before I looked him up on youtube and told my dad to watch him because he was hilarious. And then he died a few hours later. Now you might think I'm crazy, but I've had this theory ever since I was a kid that I make all these famous people die. I'm not even kidding. When I was seven, I saw Princess Diana on television, and obviously I knew how famous and important she was. And I thought, what would happen if she died? Like how big would it be in the news and stuff?

A few weeks later SHE DIED. I still blame myself for that death. Then a few years later, I was thinking, "Gosh, no one famous has died in a while. I want someone to die soon." I know, I know, it sounds HORRRRRIBLE. But I was a kid. It's still an awful thing to say. Low and behold a few days later, Frank Sinatra died. That's happened to me several times now with a lot of other celebrities. And just a few days ago B. Mac died. I know I didn't actually say I wish he died but I always have some kind of connection to them before they die, whether I see them on TV or think about them a lot oddly right before they die, or actually say it. I don't know. It's just another factor to add to the theory that I'm part psychic. But more on that theory some other time.

In the mean time, the mac? Pretty much in the bag, baby.

Song of the day: Cath...- Death Cab for Cutie

Until next time

Sary

my departure

As of three days ago, I am officially leaving for Costa Rica on August 29th. That's about, 5 months before I originally intended. But truth be told, I'm not DOING anything here. I could be spending my time going over my spanish, hanging out with my cousins, and making bank at work, but instead I'm sitting on the couch all day, watching Jon and Kate plus 8. I know it's totally lame.

I'm glad I have a set date though, because now I can get all my shit together and do the things that i've been putting off all summer. In about three weeks time, I'll be hitting the road with nothing but a suitcase in one hand, and my guitar in the other (there's no way in hell i'm going 5 months without playing) and I almost forgot, with my new laptop. Dad wants to get me a Dell, but hopefully I can persuade him onto the darkside and get him to buy me a Mac. And I know there's no way of saying that previous sentence without sounding REALLY stuck up, so back off.

Also, there is something that i've been wanting to say for a while now, and I figure that this is the best place to say it. Ready?

FUCK YOU, JONAS BROTHERS.

All of you sound like girls you little pussies. Fuck you, and your fucking teeny-bopper fan base. I fucking hate you. hahahahahahahhaha.

no, i really do though.

Song of the day: Untitled- Northern

Until next time

Sary