tranquility

Sorry it's been a while. Ten whole days! To be honest I haven't really had any inspiration, but I'm feeling chatty tonight :)

Alors, qu'est-ce que je peux ecrire? Well I've had another small epiphany. I love those, don't you? Not the huge life-changing ones but the small ones that make you think, " Oh yeahhhh!" Just another example of how I think it's the little things in life that count. Anyways, being in Costa Rica has really helped me look at my life back in the states from an outside perspective, like I can see myself, looking into my life from the outside. And what I've realized is that (well I've known this first part for a while now) America is a superficial, consumer-driven, mindless country. I honestly think they are going to blow up the world in the near future, and if not, they will run the entire world straight to the ground. The times we are living right now is living proof of that. America sneezes, and the rest of the world catches pneumonia. America trips, and the rest of the world scrapes their knee. You get what I'm saying.

And because of this capital-seeking mentality, 99.9% of the people in America have no opinion about anything, no means to seek a life beyond their own meaningless one, no intention of connecting with the rest of the world. Everyone calls us the stupidest country in the world, well, because it's true. We are the biggest super power in the world, but the average American can't tell you the capital of Australia, or any other country. What does that say about our ethics? They are flawed.

The point I'm getting at is that America's lack of interest besides The Office, iPods, and fast cars has led me to realize the importance of meeting new people from different parts of the world. You can't really grow as a person unless you travel and meet other people from different cultures so that you can get an idea of the entire world of different lifestyles and ways of thinking besides your own. Knowledge really is power. And it's how you use that power from knowledge that you make a difference in peoples' lives and leave behind a legacy. You can't really know what you want or like until you've seen and tried everything. That's why I think meeting different people from all over is so cool, because you realize that there is an entire different way of living that you've never known. 

So sorry about my anti-patriotism here, I know I was born in America, and it's given me so much in the past 18 years, but if it doesn't overcome its egoism then the rest of the world will suffer, and that's something that affects us all. So yeah, moral of the story: travel, meet new people, appreciate the different worlds of nature, eat stuff you've never eaten before, learn a new language, make banana milkshakes, watch both of the star wars trilogies back to back, drive a Dodge Challenger with a 440 engine, stay up all night talking with your best friend, go TP-ing, scream at the top of your lungs.....

....at least once in your life. Next post I've been wanting to do for a while will be about music.

Song of the day: Heavenly Day- Patty Griffin

Until next time

Sary

Where did that come from?

So I should REALLY be in bed right now. I have to get up in about 5 hours, but I was just about to hop into bed when I stumbled onto something pretty interesting. There is this AMAZING site I go to regularly where I can just express my opinion about the topic at hand, and we get into some really cool discussions sometimes. It's really a safe haven for me, besides this blog. So today the topic was death and I looked at the clock and it was about 1:20. Now usually, it takes me a really long time to figure out what I'm going to say, and even when I write it down I make a whole bunch of revisions. So I knew it would take me awhile to write out my thoughts, and I should have already been in bed, but I started to write anyway. Surprisingly, this was the fastest I had ever typed out what I was thinking. It only took me a few minutes. Anyways, I was pretty proud (and inspired, if I do say so myself) of what I wrote, so I thought I'd share it with you :)

" I have only really known one person who has passed away, and that was my grandmother, four years ago. At that moment it was so surreal, and I couldn’t believe, so much that it took me one week to actually cry.

Death is something that really scares me, partly because I don’t know what it will feel like, and what will happen afterwards, and partly because I am afraid that I possibly might not live my life to its fullest potential.

Over time, I’ve found myself thinking about death during long periods of time and what it all means, to the point where I scare myself out of my wits. But I think the only honest thing I can say about death is that it happens to everyone, it can happen at anytime. Some people die suddenly and within seconds, and for others its a long, painful, drawn out process. I think the only thing we can do, and something that I try do to personally, is not think about death and live in the moment.

I know we all hear this a lot, and I know it gets pretty repetitive, but we really must live life to the fullest. But more importantly, we must focus on the important things in life. At the end of the road, it won’t matter how much our annual income was, or how big our house was, or any other superficial aspects of life. To me, the consumer driven world is all bull. The people we are, the way our friends and family remember us, the legacy we leave behind: that’s what really matters in the end. And to me, that’s all I can hope to do, that is all I strive for.

So in the end, if my friends and family know just how much I really love them, or if I leave behind an idea or legacy that people can look up to, then I think I’ve done all I can do in my life….so by the time I die, I can look back and be pretty happy about my life."

Sorry it's so somber, but I actually think it's quite optimistic too. Anyways, I should really go now. Going to the beach house this weekend with the grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. It's gonna be so much fun! Hopefully it won't rain as much so we can go in the pool. 

And on another note, I've had THE BIGGEST......urge I guess recently, to sit in the sand at Huntington Beach with Chris and Casey and watch the sunset, with 405 playing in the background. If I could have one wish right now, that would be it.

Song of the day: 405 Acoustic- Death Cab for Cutie

Until next time

Sary

Got it

So many emotions right now, it's hard to keep up. Scared, sad, worried.

Well first of all, my dad is leaving tomorrow morning. And then that's it, I'm here all by myself for the next two months. Granted I have my entire family here, haha, but you know what I mean. I'm away from my parents and my sister. So apart from being scared of living on my own for the first time, I am so worried  for my dad because of the hurricane. He stops in Houston which is right on the Gulf Coast, and the hurricane is going through the Caribbean tomorrow. I hope he gets there okay. 

And something....strange happened to me tonight. I really can't explain it, but basically, I am actually glad to be here now, I know why I'm here, and I have figured out the entire meaning and purpose of my life. It's funny what can happen in 7 minutes. My dad's cousins came tonight to say goodbye to him, and we all sat around talking for awhile. One of them, Erica, was talking about how she used to be like me in the sense that I wanted to live in the States, and that she loved Costa Rica, but she preferred to be over there. And then she said, the thing that made her come here was her mother's last dying breath. 

I was crying by the end of her story, but basically, she told us about the day her mother died, how she was with her on her death bed. If I try to write about it, I won't do it any justice, but the way she spoke, the was she told the story was so moving, and so ominous in a way, because anything to do with death really scares me. She said that the day her mother died, she hadn't opened her eyes in the last three days. And then when she was just minutes away from her death, Erica and her sisters started to say a prayer. The room was completely dark, and one of her sisters had lit a candle. As they were praying, the wax from the candle she was holding was running down the entire length of her arm, and everyone in the room said the prayer with such conviction and confidence, that her mother finally opened her eyes. She said the she looked at her, and it was almost as if a light was coming through her eyes. She said looked so peaceful, and she was so at ease, that she told her, "Mom, it's okay you can go." And then she died. 

I'm telling you, you had to be there in person and hear her telling this story because I got chills and my grandmother and I started crying in front of everyone. Well, the thing is, after that, Erica called her dad and said " I'm staying right here and I'm never going back."

That is what life is. It's being with the people you love, it's doing what you love, it's being in a place that loves you back. There's a certain air and warmness to Costa Rica that you can't find anywhere else, and I'm addicted to it. I'm not being biased either. People from all over the world have said that this is the nicest country they have ever visited, not just because it's beautiful, but because of the people. You won't find people like this anywhere else. And so I realized, as long as I am here and I'm with the people I love, then the rest doesn't really matter. It doesn't matter how much money I make, it doesn't matter what I do, all that matters is that I am home. And now I am certain more than ever that home is here. 

It only took me a week to figure it out, and that's not to say that I don't miss California and all my friends, but I feel as though I've been somewhere else for the last 18 years, and I am finally coming home. Plus, my grandparents aren't getting any younger. I've already had to suffer through the pain of losing a grandmother that I loved so much, but hardly ever got to see. The next time that happens, I'm going to be here with them. 

So I don't know, maybe it's the sadness of my dad leaving me tomorrow, or the fact that I'll be on my own for the next two months, but I finally feel like I understand. Understand what? I don't know. But I understand. 

Song of the day: Morning Theft- Jeff Buckley

Until next time

Sary

I want you so bad...

So I finally got wireless in my grandparent's house, so I am on the Mac once again! How I missed it so. 

Okay, so I've got something on my mind, and I don't know, I think it's a little too personal to put out there. But I'll give it my best shot:

LOVE. What is there to say about love? When do you feel it? What does it feel like? What age should you feel it at?

I personally don't think there's a certain age where you can say, "Okay, I'm this age now, so I can know what love feels like." That's bullshit. You feel it when you feel it. Granted, lots of the younger teenagers say they're in love with their significant other, when it's really just infatuation. I do think they are too young to know what true love feels like, but it's different for all of us. For me, true love is that endless, compassionate, selfless love that you feel for another person. Ask a teenager who is "in love" and most likely, they won't be willing to be compassionate or selfless, and you'll find that it's just infatuation. 

You start to experience true love when you're older because you're more mature and have experienced things in your life that shape you into the person that you are. You know what you want and don't want out of life. And you are more willing to sacrifice for someone that you really care about....

....The reason why I'm bringing this up is because (and this is the embarrassing part) I met someone about three years ago. I have always been extremely attracted to him ( haha, yes it is a him) but I never really did anything about it, because I was always here in Costa and I figured "Why bother, I'm leaving in a few weeks and I'll probably never see him again." Then he came to my house back home and I thought the same thing. And time went by, and I slowly started to forget about him and move on, even though he was still in the back of my mind. Then the day before yesterday, my dad tells me we're gonna go visit him and his family on Wednesday. 

I was all excited and giddy for a while, but then I realized that I had to calm down. He probably had a girlfriend, he doesn't like me anyway, blah blah blah. So by the time we got to his house I was pretty calm and collected. And then I saw him...

.....Holy Shittttt. All those feelings just came flooding back like that. And I couldn't figure out what to do with myself.  So the point I'm trying to get at is that for the longest time, I swore I was in love with this guy. But then I realized I hardly knew him. And I didn't meet up to my own standards of what love is. So for now, I'll call it infatuation. But I've never been this infatuated in my life haha. Any advice?

Song of the day: Heaven- Moonpools & Caterpillars

Until next time

Sary

Ticquisia

No one commented on that last entry where I freaking spilled my guts out to everyone. This is disappointing.

Anyways, Im here (cant find the apostrophe yet so bare with me). Im still too attached to California to call this place home. I think when that day comes it will be a sad day in my life. I know I said I would write two days ago, but it was about the unluckiest day of my life and I was seriously not in the mood to write. And I dont care to retell it right about now so back off.

To make a long story short, adjusting to Costa Rica is going to be a lot tougher than I thought. I miss Chris and Casey so so so much. And its weird because usually when things get tough I just give up. But I cant just quit on this one. I either get used to it or I get used to it. And there is some sadness in that, some nostalgia. Im just really depressed for lack of a better word. I know its only my fourth day here, but I cant see myself living comfortably here for a very long time yet to come.

When it comes down to it, I want to go home. I want to see my best friends.

But that cant happen. Atleast not for now. So I just have to deal with it and move on. I guess this is what being an adult means. People think the transition from kid to grown up is slow and transitive, but thats all bullshit. It just happens from one day to another and bites you in the ass, and then you have to deal with hardships that you have no idea how to handle.

So I know I said that my entries were going to be more philosophical but I think its okay for now to just get my feelings out. Plus, dealing with change in itself is a philosophical concept isnt it? Come to think of it, here is my question for the day.

What drives and motivates you to step out of your comfort zone? How do you deal with change and fear of the unkown?

Talk to me.

Song of the day (insert GODDAMN colon) Lovesong of the Buzzard- Iron and Wine

Until next time
Sary

p.s. that song reminds me of my aquarium adventure with Casey. Awww.