well here it is

for as long as i can remember, all i have wanted to do is be a filmmaker. i had a set plan down to the most minute detail as to how i was going to make it happen. and now that plan is thrown out the window. i know that i am the one who agreed to leave, and there are so many positive things that will come from living in costa rica. but i can't help feeling that i am making the biggest mistake of my life.

i say this because my entire life i have heard to aim high and follow your dreams. and what i am doing right now is the opposite. i have heard countless adults say that they gave up their dream and regretted it because their entire life might have been different. i'm only 18 and i can already see myself being one of those adults later on in my life. the most depressing part is that when i was younger i told myself i would never be one of those people.

lately i've been trying to snap myself out of this realization: that almost no one makes it in the business, it's way too much hard work, it's one of the most expensive careers in term of tuition, and blah blah blah. but i know that if i don't atleast try, i'll spend the rest of my life saying "What if." It would suck after all this time of wanting to be a director if it never happened for me. But the only thing that would suck more than that is if i didn't even take the chance to try and see what the experience was like.

and on the other side of the dime, there's the life that awaits me in costa rica. i have my family there. i have my friends there. i have a lifestyle that is a million times better than the one here in california. i have more freedom. i have a lifetime of wonderful memories waiting to be made. but what i don't have is following a career that i am passionate about. to be honest, i'm not really looking forward to starting school in january because i'll be studying something that KINDA interests me. and it's what i have to settle for because it's the only profession that i'm interested in and makes a lot of money. i have been told by EVERYONE in my family to pick something that has a good annual income. So....psychology? not a chance. Human resources? not a chance. And filmmaking? At the bottom of the barrel. Filmmaking is quite possibly the lowest paying job in Costa Rica, not to mention the hardest job to get. And the funny thing is, before i told myself i would never settle for something i wasn't passionate about just because the pay was better. and that's exactly what i'm doing.

So. To sum it up:

- I want to leave California

- In Costa Rica, I'll have my friends, family, different lifestyle, etc.

- However, I will have to settle for a career that doesn't interest me that much

- In California, filmmaking is offered almost everywhere and L.A. is pretty much the Mecca of cinema

- However, I will be alone, with no friends or family and there is no way i could pay for school.

What......

the hell.......

should i do.......

Well, while you and i think about it, I should tell you that there was an earthquake today! You probably felt it too, whoever you are. And I think it's a sign that i should make up my mind right now.

Song of the day: Return to Innocence- Enigma

Until next time

Sary