Goodbye for now

In approximately one hour, it will officially be August 29th, a.k.a. my departure. It really didn't hit me until this morning when I was packing my neutrogena stuff: "I am leaving..."

From that moment up until right now, I have been depressed the whole day. It's funny, whenever I'm feeling any sort of emotion, whether it be good or bad, and it's completely overwhelming, there's a word that repeats over and over again in my mind that describes how I am feeling. I remember (and this is really embarrassing) when I got my first kiss, the word was "happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy" over and over again in my mind repeatedly.

And today, the word has been, "sorrow......sorrow......sorrow". Not repeatedly, but every so often when I distract myself just enough to smile, it creeps up on me. I spent one last day with Casey and Chris. Just thinking about the fact that I won't be able to call them all the time, or see them whenever I want to, or immediately tell them about something exciting that happened makes me so sad (for lack of a better word). I think what kills me most is knowing how many miles there are between us.

As I was saying goodbye to them outside of Casey's house, my "sorrow" surprisingly disappeared. Not because I was happy, in fact I didn't feel anything at all. I was numb. I didn't cry. I wish I could react to things faster because everytime something important happens where I know I should feel some emotion, I feel nothing. Even as I was hugging them, I didn't feel anything, except perhaps the slightest bit of disbelief. Then I got in the car, rolled down my windows, blast "Death and all his Friends" through the radio, and started honking all the way down Shady Ridge till I got to Cowan Heights.

As soon as I turned right, something happened. I started to breathe really heavily, like I was lacking oxygen, and by the time I reached Foothill, I was hyperventolating and crying hysterically. I wanted to breathe, but somehow the oxygen wasn't getting in my lungs. And it was the feeling and emotion that I had been lacking the entire day. I had been holding all the sadness in for the past few months, and I guess that was my release, and all these emotions came flooding out. More than anything, it was the knowledge that I wouldn't see them again for atleast a year, and all the things I could've said to them and I didn't.

It's also the knowledge that I won't see any of my friends and family for atleast another year. My aunt started sobbing when she left the house a few minutes ago, and I broke down too, as much as I wanted to hold it in. I'm not going to sleep tonight, I know I won't. Whenever I travel I never sleep the night before. But now on top of worrying about my fear of airports and airplanes, I have to think about everything I'm leaving behind. I've been putting on a brave face for the past few months, but there's no use in denying it anymore- I know I'll get used to Costa Rica, I love it over there. And although in a few months, maybe weeks, I'll call it "home" this place will always, always be my home. This is my heart. I grew up here. The people I love are here. It's as simple as that.

And so my friends, if something happens to me and I don't make it, I'd like to be cremated. I want "Both Sides Now" by Joni Mitchell to play at my funeral. Tell my parents I love them, tell my sister I love her, tell Casey and Chris I love them, tell my family I love them. Someone take good care of Andrew. Remember me and smile.

If not, I will write again on August 31st, 2008 from my new residence, I will update you on my current mood, and I will be waiting for Chris and Casey next summer.

Un-Song of the day: California- Rogue Wave

Until next time, most definitely
Sary